Bye Bye Baby
I love my ex girlfriend. When I see her I want to pick her up and squeeze her really tight. Once I might have said I want to wrap my hands around her neck and squeeze tight, but that's just one of those things you might think during the transition from Lovers to Friends.
Now, however I have realised she is one of my favourite people on the planet and it has nothing to do with inlovedness. It's that big love, the love that expands like a helium balloon in your chest. My Love has been distilled, it is getting more and more pure with each day.
It was this ballooning realisation about love that helped me deal when she told me about the new person in her life. For a few moment it was touch and go. Was I going to throw up over my ugly couch with the news? Was I going to stand up and smash stuff, bouncing bad lesbian paperbacks off the wall? Was I going to cry and confess my undying love and wrap my arms around her legs.
No.
None of the above. Something stranger, I was happy. Honestly happy.
She was confiding in me because I am her best friend. All those nights we spooned and shared ourselves came through. The Truth of it all.
This is not to say that a few days after I didn't feel sad. Of course, not sad for us, how could I be sad for us. No, I was sad for me. She found someone that was up for the challenge of love, someone who would not let her hide from her feelings, someone special. This made me a bit of a sorry arse about my own life and lack of that someone 'special'. Usually I don't really care about that. I feel self contained and strong on my own. Yet when I felt that aura of inlovedness radiate off my ex, I pined for it.
I expect to see her less of course. That is what happens when friends fall in love, it's like they hold hands with someone and jump off a cliff. Disappearing from view for a while.
Am I jealous? No, not yet. As long as I feel like I am appreciated as a friend and she is there for me as much as I am there for her, then it will all be ok.
It won't make me love her less, maybe I'll just expect less of her.
So come on Universe, dish me someone who will blow my mind. I don't care what bit's they have... Just challenge me, make me laugh. That's not too much to ask is it?
Now, however I have realised she is one of my favourite people on the planet and it has nothing to do with inlovedness. It's that big love, the love that expands like a helium balloon in your chest. My Love has been distilled, it is getting more and more pure with each day.
It was this ballooning realisation about love that helped me deal when she told me about the new person in her life. For a few moment it was touch and go. Was I going to throw up over my ugly couch with the news? Was I going to stand up and smash stuff, bouncing bad lesbian paperbacks off the wall? Was I going to cry and confess my undying love and wrap my arms around her legs.
No.
None of the above. Something stranger, I was happy. Honestly happy.
She was confiding in me because I am her best friend. All those nights we spooned and shared ourselves came through. The Truth of it all.
This is not to say that a few days after I didn't feel sad. Of course, not sad for us, how could I be sad for us. No, I was sad for me. She found someone that was up for the challenge of love, someone who would not let her hide from her feelings, someone special. This made me a bit of a sorry arse about my own life and lack of that someone 'special'. Usually I don't really care about that. I feel self contained and strong on my own. Yet when I felt that aura of inlovedness radiate off my ex, I pined for it.
I expect to see her less of course. That is what happens when friends fall in love, it's like they hold hands with someone and jump off a cliff. Disappearing from view for a while.
Am I jealous? No, not yet. As long as I feel like I am appreciated as a friend and she is there for me as much as I am there for her, then it will all be ok.
It won't make me love her less, maybe I'll just expect less of her.
So come on Universe, dish me someone who will blow my mind. I don't care what bit's they have... Just challenge me, make me laugh. That's not too much to ask is it?
posted by D. at Tuesday, October 26, 2004
