You are all bastards.
Due to the severe lack of pea soup and tuna casserole arriving at my door in the arms of concerned friends, I take it that nobody actually reads this , or my friends are in fact bastards.
Luckily my thin grip on reality has held fast. Not because of aforementioned comfort food or friends ( or should I say , lack thereof). No I owe my last weeks survival to the crew of NX - 01... Or the Enterprise to laypeople. Not the old paper mache rock series, but the new shiney crew that have revamped the old Enterprise mythology. I knew it existed though I had no interest in actually watching it. I was still hung up on 7 of 9 from Star Trek Voyager and could not envisage a Star Trek experience without those outrageous breasts and borg implants ( Borg Knorks as I lovingly referred to her).
However, lately my Mum and brother in Australia have been telling me that 'Enterprise' was in fact 'better' than 'Voyager'... Could it be true?
So I set off into the world of bittorrent and a java download client that makes it all easy peasy. A few days later I had the entire back catalogue of the series and proceeded to ready myself for a marathon. Mum told me that the Vulcan on the ship was a said to be a 'Hottie' according to my 19 year old Brother and his mates.
So armed with a constantly full cup of Prince of Wales tea ( when I say cup I mean converted soup bowl) I proceeded to bury my depression in this new series. I was prepared to be disappointed...
Then, I saw the Vulcan, T'Pol and all of a sudden my problems slipped away like a well lubed sextoy and I was deep in sci-fi heaven. Episode after episode loaded into my Realplayer cliplist. Even as I type episode 16 of series 3 is playing in a small window on my desktop. Life is indeed pretty fucking good.
T'Pol is the hottest thing to ever sport pointy ears.
I have started to think about ways I could write myself into the storyline, such as...
The crew of the Enterprise have encountered a nasty breed of aliens, the Bulldaggerians, a rather violent race that cruise around space picking fights with patriarchal starships. When the Enterprise is faced with the Bulldaggerians battle cruiser The Labia Majora, a heavily armed warship with a PMT drive of warp 10 capabilities they are forced to resort to a long shot.
Dr Flox comes up with the idea of using a recently discovered worm hole into the past to transport somebody with experience of dealing with Bulldaggerians into their current time. You see there are no Homo's in space, the Republicans of the 21st century decided to use stem cell research to breed them out. Which means they would need to pull a Queer out of the past before the Republicans installed their plan. They decide that New York City is the best bet and focus the worm hole thingo on the west village outside the Cubby Hole on west 12st.
It just so happens that at that moment I walk out to have a cigarette ( but really I am just getting away from that woman there who has no eyelashes but lots of mascara and who touches my leg all the time) *insert worm hole thingo noise here...
My molocules zap through time and space which just happens to have a side affect of making most of my fat deposits disappear and leaves me toned and yummy looking. Which is just as well, because I awake wearing a blue skin tight jumpsuit with Dr Flox and T'Pol looking over me as I open my eyes in sick bay.
I take the news suprisingly well, it wasn't a particularly good night at the Cubby Hole and they had stopped serving free popcorn, so really I was happy to be out of there. I am briefed by Captain Jonathan Archer he stresses that the Bulldaggerians must not succeed in stopping the Enterprise in its mission from finding the Xindi's and their big arse weapon that can blow up the Earth. In other words, the future of wo/Mankind is in my hands.
Cpt. Archer: Dee, we are hoping you know how to deal with these Space Dykes... That you can speak their language and help us carry on our mission.
Me: Yes Captain, I understand. I am at your service.
Cpt.Archer: Good. I have asked T'Pol to brief you on what we know to date and to answer any questions you may have in regard to the Bulldaggerians.
Me: Thank you Captain.
The Captain speaks into the intercom and asks T'Pol to enter. I turn to the door and watch it slide back, revealing the Vulcan Hottie wearing a light blue jumpsuit with a silver belt, she looks at me with her Vulcan poker face. " It may be more productive to brief you in private, I understand that your time and space travel has probably taxed your body" she looks me up and down and I swear she lingers on my Star Fleet regulation cleavage exposure.
I follow T'Pol to her quarters. She begins to light her Vulcan meditation candles and then turns to me "Due to the pressing nature of our problem I suggest that you allow me to perform a Mind Meld with you to transfer as much information as I can in the shortest amount of time" , I agree.
Next we are in lotus position on the floor facing each other, after some Vulcan breathing exercises T'Pol begins the meld, her fingers on my cheekbone. We transfer information telepathically, I learn about the Bulldaggerians and T'Pol finds out I love Tea Lounge Shot Chocolate ( trust me, go to the Tea Lounge in Park Slope and get one). Something else happens in the Meld though, yes.... T'Pol finds herself inexplicable attracted to me. Although you would not know from her Vulcan exterior, I do... after all we just Mind Melded.
Over the next few days the Enterprise takes repairs in the shadow of a 3 mooned M class planet. T'Pol and I grow closer, huddled over plasma shafts and anti-matter conduits.
I discuss with her my plans on how to beat the Bulldaggerians, she agrees with my conclusions and urges that we instigate the plans immediately and inform the Captain.
We both go to the bridge in our matching jumpsuits. I think one of the Ensigns on B deck wolf whistle.
"Captain, Dee has devised a plan that I believe will save us and Earth from the Bulldaggerians" T'Pol informs.
"Good , I am eager to hear. Dee what do you think will work?"
" Well Captain I...."
Cut to next scene. The Captain is pushed into a shuttle pod and pointed in the direction of a The Nubian brothel Planet , Clitora. T'Pol is promoted to Captain, I am Sub-Commander.
Cut to next scene. The Bulldaggerians hail us only to find that we are now a Matriarchal Starship, so they leave us alone.
Cut to next scene. Ex-Captain is being fed grapes and getting his feet massaged by the Nubians.
Cut to next scene. T'Pol and I are in the star chart room plotting a course to the Xindi home planet, she turns to me and says
" I am confused. Loving another female is not logical"
I look at her and raise an eyebrow "Love is never logical"
We snog with the star charts luminescing in the background.
Obviously my grip on reality is thinner than previously thought.
Stay tuned next time when the Bulldaggerians return with a nasty plan to wrap the entire planet Earth in a Raspberry flavoured dental dam.
Luckily my thin grip on reality has held fast. Not because of aforementioned comfort food or friends ( or should I say , lack thereof). No I owe my last weeks survival to the crew of NX - 01... Or the Enterprise to laypeople. Not the old paper mache rock series, but the new shiney crew that have revamped the old Enterprise mythology. I knew it existed though I had no interest in actually watching it. I was still hung up on 7 of 9 from Star Trek Voyager and could not envisage a Star Trek experience without those outrageous breasts and borg implants ( Borg Knorks as I lovingly referred to her).
However, lately my Mum and brother in Australia have been telling me that 'Enterprise' was in fact 'better' than 'Voyager'... Could it be true?
So I set off into the world of bittorrent and a java download client that makes it all easy peasy. A few days later I had the entire back catalogue of the series and proceeded to ready myself for a marathon. Mum told me that the Vulcan on the ship was a said to be a 'Hottie' according to my 19 year old Brother and his mates.
So armed with a constantly full cup of Prince of Wales tea ( when I say cup I mean converted soup bowl) I proceeded to bury my depression in this new series. I was prepared to be disappointed...
Then, I saw the Vulcan, T'Pol and all of a sudden my problems slipped away like a well lubed sextoy and I was deep in sci-fi heaven. Episode after episode loaded into my Realplayer cliplist. Even as I type episode 16 of series 3 is playing in a small window on my desktop. Life is indeed pretty fucking good.
T'Pol is the hottest thing to ever sport pointy ears.
I have started to think about ways I could write myself into the storyline, such as...
The crew of the Enterprise have encountered a nasty breed of aliens, the Bulldaggerians, a rather violent race that cruise around space picking fights with patriarchal starships. When the Enterprise is faced with the Bulldaggerians battle cruiser The Labia Majora, a heavily armed warship with a PMT drive of warp 10 capabilities they are forced to resort to a long shot.
Dr Flox comes up with the idea of using a recently discovered worm hole into the past to transport somebody with experience of dealing with Bulldaggerians into their current time. You see there are no Homo's in space, the Republicans of the 21st century decided to use stem cell research to breed them out. Which means they would need to pull a Queer out of the past before the Republicans installed their plan. They decide that New York City is the best bet and focus the worm hole thingo on the west village outside the Cubby Hole on west 12st.
It just so happens that at that moment I walk out to have a cigarette ( but really I am just getting away from that woman there who has no eyelashes but lots of mascara and who touches my leg all the time) *insert worm hole thingo noise here...
My molocules zap through time and space which just happens to have a side affect of making most of my fat deposits disappear and leaves me toned and yummy looking. Which is just as well, because I awake wearing a blue skin tight jumpsuit with Dr Flox and T'Pol looking over me as I open my eyes in sick bay.
I take the news suprisingly well, it wasn't a particularly good night at the Cubby Hole and they had stopped serving free popcorn, so really I was happy to be out of there. I am briefed by Captain Jonathan Archer he stresses that the Bulldaggerians must not succeed in stopping the Enterprise in its mission from finding the Xindi's and their big arse weapon that can blow up the Earth. In other words, the future of wo/Mankind is in my hands.
Cpt. Archer: Dee, we are hoping you know how to deal with these Space Dykes... That you can speak their language and help us carry on our mission.
Me: Yes Captain, I understand. I am at your service.
Cpt.Archer: Good. I have asked T'Pol to brief you on what we know to date and to answer any questions you may have in regard to the Bulldaggerians.
Me: Thank you Captain.
The Captain speaks into the intercom and asks T'Pol to enter. I turn to the door and watch it slide back, revealing the Vulcan Hottie wearing a light blue jumpsuit with a silver belt, she looks at me with her Vulcan poker face. " It may be more productive to brief you in private, I understand that your time and space travel has probably taxed your body" she looks me up and down and I swear she lingers on my Star Fleet regulation cleavage exposure.
I follow T'Pol to her quarters. She begins to light her Vulcan meditation candles and then turns to me "Due to the pressing nature of our problem I suggest that you allow me to perform a Mind Meld with you to transfer as much information as I can in the shortest amount of time" , I agree.
Next we are in lotus position on the floor facing each other, after some Vulcan breathing exercises T'Pol begins the meld, her fingers on my cheekbone. We transfer information telepathically, I learn about the Bulldaggerians and T'Pol finds out I love Tea Lounge Shot Chocolate ( trust me, go to the Tea Lounge in Park Slope and get one). Something else happens in the Meld though, yes.... T'Pol finds herself inexplicable attracted to me. Although you would not know from her Vulcan exterior, I do... after all we just Mind Melded.
Over the next few days the Enterprise takes repairs in the shadow of a 3 mooned M class planet. T'Pol and I grow closer, huddled over plasma shafts and anti-matter conduits.
I discuss with her my plans on how to beat the Bulldaggerians, she agrees with my conclusions and urges that we instigate the plans immediately and inform the Captain.
We both go to the bridge in our matching jumpsuits. I think one of the Ensigns on B deck wolf whistle.
"Captain, Dee has devised a plan that I believe will save us and Earth from the Bulldaggerians" T'Pol informs.
"Good , I am eager to hear. Dee what do you think will work?"
" Well Captain I...."
Cut to next scene. The Captain is pushed into a shuttle pod and pointed in the direction of a The Nubian brothel Planet , Clitora. T'Pol is promoted to Captain, I am Sub-Commander.
Cut to next scene. The Bulldaggerians hail us only to find that we are now a Matriarchal Starship, so they leave us alone.
Cut to next scene. Ex-Captain is being fed grapes and getting his feet massaged by the Nubians.
Cut to next scene. T'Pol and I are in the star chart room plotting a course to the Xindi home planet, she turns to me and says
" I am confused. Loving another female is not logical"
I look at her and raise an eyebrow "Love is never logical"
We snog with the star charts luminescing in the background.
Obviously my grip on reality is thinner than previously thought.
Stay tuned next time when the Bulldaggerians return with a nasty plan to wrap the entire planet Earth in a Raspberry flavoured dental dam.
posted by D. at Monday, November 08, 2004
